Highly Sensitive
Person (HSP)
Tired of being told you're too sensitive?
Many people grow up having been told that they need to "toughen up" or "develop a thicker skin". They often hear the phrases "stop being so sensitive" or "you're overreacting" or "you think too much".
Even when family and friends mean well, it can feel like criticism. The message underneath the comments is that you are different and there is something wrong with you. Over time, you start to distrust your own inner experience.
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You can't get rid of your high sensitivity, regardless of how hard you try to "not think as much". I know this from not only science and psychological studies, but from my own personal journey as a highly sensitive person.
Telling someone to be less sensitive is similar to telling someone that they should have been born with brown eyes instead of green eyes. Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is not a choice, nor is it a character flaw. It is not a disorder, nor is it a psychiatric diagnosis. However, being an HSP can leave some people feeling more vulnerable and susceptible to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues.
The Roots of High Sensitivity
People are born with a certain temperament, and that temperament is largely based on genetics. Your temperament is how you respond to the world, including how your nervous system reacts, and how you emotionally regulate yourself. Your temperament interacts with your life experiences, which influences the way your personality develops. While your personality can evolve over time, your temperament essentially remains the same from birth. You can't change the way your brain is biologically wired, so your temperament doesn't shift much during your lifetime.
While "sensitivity" is a trait that we all have within us, at different levels, being a highly sensitive person is a temperament that is observed in about 15-20% of the population. When you are an HSP, your nervous system processes things more deeply. You often experience emotions and stimuli more intensely, have a strong capacity for empathy and self-awareness, and are more observant and intuitive. Whether these traits feel helpful or cause you difficulty is typically based on your environment.
If you are an HSP who was raised in an atmosphere that was attuned, stable, and supportive, you can feel things intensely and still feel safe. Your sensitivity becomes a strength that is easier to live with, and you develop the ability to self regulate and don't become as easily overwhelmed.
If you are an HSP who had a childhood where conditions were unpredictable, chronically stressful, and invalidating, your sensitivity can cause you to feel distressed and overwhelmed. You may learn to cope by becoming hyper vigilant or shut down. You may become a people pleaser and a perfectionist in order to avoid disapproval.
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Misconceptions about HSP
It was often believed that high sensitivity people (HSP) were strictly introverts. However, around 30% of HSP are extroverts and they may not recognize that they are HSP because they are more social, more adept at handling environmental stimuli, and can more easily adapt to their surroundings.
There was a previous incorrect belief that only women were HSP. In actuality, there are an equal amount of men and women in the population who are highly sensitive. The amount of men and women who are HSP may appear to be disproportionate, because social conditioning has made it more difficult for men to show their high sensitivity.
There is also a common misconception that all HSP are shy. Being shy is rooted in the fear of social judgment, and in feelings of self consciousness. When an HSP appears to be shy, it is actually rooted in overstimulation and needing extra time to process what is happening. This perceived shyness can often be attributed to an innate HSP behavior where information is first gathered, and safety is accessed, before an HSP feels comfortable in a new situation. It is possible to be both highly sensitive and shy. That usually develops because sensitivity makes social experiences feel more intense, which then causes you to want to retreat in order to protect yourself.
When you absorb everyone
else's feelings
You may have recognized that you felt more, you noticed more, and you needed more time to recover than most of the people around you. The nervous system of an HSP tends to take in additional information at a faster pace, and absorbs it more deeply. That can come in the form of noticing facial expressions, shifting energy, and other small cues, that would likely not make as much of an impression on those without high sensitivity.
If you meet up with a friend who is usually sociable and excited to see you, but their voice is flat and they say they are fine, you may walk away feeling sad and confused. You may watch something on the news and not be able to move on after the report ends, because you can't stop thinking about what you saw. You might go to a movie and internalize the pain that the characters are suffering, as if you are going through the same difficulties as them. You could be driving in the car, and a powerful song moves you so intensely, that you physically feel the impact of the lyrics and music.
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As an individual with high sensitivity, you often spend more time thinking about things that have happened, and trying to understand why someone reacted in a certain way. You put yourself in the shoes of another person, in order to imagine how they may be feeling. While an HSP is usually highly empathetic, there are others without HSP that can be empathetic too. The difference is that those who are not a HSP may be able to filter information more naturally than those who are highly sensitive.
A highly sensitive person can feel sensory overload more quickly than someone who is less sensitive to their environment. Each HSP has a different threshold for what they can manage before they feel overstimulated. Occurrences and tasks that seem ordinary to many people may feel more stressful to an HSP, and that stress may show up sooner. Visiting a crowded grocery store, going to an event where multiple conversations are taking place at once, and even little details like the hum of an air conditioner, can feel like too much.
When you are an HSP, you replay interactions, carry the moods of others, and feel responsible for making things better. Sometimes you not only feel and understand another person's emotions, but you embody them as well. Your empathy for someone who is anxious might result in you feeling a tightness in your chest. You may become agitated when you feel tension in the room. This can look like an emotional reaction, even though it is a physical one. Trying to ignore what you are feeling won't stop the sensory overload. Many highly sensitive people try to push through their limits, which makes things worse, and often requires a need to shut down and recover in solitude.
Relief from overthinking and emotional overload
Highly sensitive people bring qualities that contribute greatly to the world. Their empathy and attunement help others feel seen, understood, and less alone. They notice nuance and reflect deeply, so they are often thoughtful and self aware. They are perceptive and read people well. When you are highly sensitive, you may notice the beauty of things that others do not appreciate. Being able to take in so much feeling, from both people and your environment, means that your joy can feel bigger and more vivid.
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Living with this kind of awareness can also be very difficult. You can feel overwhelmed, self critical, and stretched too thin. In therapy, you will learn to understand the difference between what you are feeling and what you are absorbing from the people around you. You begin to recognize early signs of feeling overloaded, so you can intervene sooner and stop an emotional shutdown from occurring.
Therapy does not and cannot make you a less sensitive person. Most highly sensitive individuals are not suffering because you feel things deeply. Your pain typically stems from being misunderstood, feeling overwhelmed, trained to distrust your inner experience, and not having the tools necessary to navigate intense emotions so you feel less reactive. Therapy can help you acknowledge your needs, begin to trust what you observe, and choose environments and relationships that are supportive and feel good.
Making room for the positive aspects of your sensitivity requires the practice of better boundaries. You can learn to set limits and protect yourself, in a way that feels flexible and doable. If you can preserve energy for the parts of your life that make you feel good and nourish you, such as connection, nature, art, writing, cooking, reading, or doing meaningful work, your sensitivity will feel less like a vulnerability that causes you distress. Accepting your sensitivity and building skills to work with it, allows you to value your sensitivity as part of what makes you uniquely you.
